All Righty Then

Well that last post was quite the up-my-own-assid trip. It definitely deserved all the praise it got (for potential future readers: there isn't any. Also, how's that Trump presidency working out for you?). I'm pretty much writing this post for the sole purpose of having that last one not be the first thing people see when they arrive at my blog, appropriate to the title though it is. Shit, now I have to be entertaining. Uh... Story time?

This is the story of how I came to hate Kirby (codename for a real person, not the lovable pink ball (I hate him for other reasons (That will be another post (Actually probably not (HELP I'M IN LIMBO))))).

Small backstory: Kirby is a douche. He is from Oakland and loves to think he's all that. At the time of this story, he is quite overweight, but brags about all the working out he does, and he eats nonstop. He also lives about 15-20 minutes away, and he drives a Mustang that he constantly brags about. On the night of the story, he had driven... Temjin. Sure, let's go with that. He drove Temjin to my house using the very vehicle, and was planning on using it to drive them both back home at the end of the night (No foreshadowing there at all).

So I was hanging out with Kirby and Temjin, and my brother was home. Kirby is being his usual douchible self, and Temjin is just sort of laughing along, while I'm silently judging, but without any good reason to outright dislike him. Little did I know that my hatred for Kirby was about to have Christmas come early. Temjin received a text informing him of a party nearby. All four of us hopped in my car and left.

We got to the party, and it was a bit anti-climactic. The Xbox that was supposed to be the central aspect wasn't working, and a lot of people were just sort of sitting around, looking bored. Luckily, there were a couple groups standing around chatting and seemed to be amicable enough to approach. We chatted for a bit, then wandered to the backyard.

BEER PONG.

I had not played beer pong in months, maybe a year, and here was a gloriously laid out ping pong table, with red cups lining the sides and triangling the ends. I turned immediately to Kirby (who, at the time was the only other one of the four who had his license), and asked him if he would mind driving us back, since he was going to drive back to his house anyway. He said sure, and I celebrated, before beginning to play some pong.

A couple cups passed, and Kirby wandered back outside, looking a bit out of it. He said, "Hey, I've had like 4 beers, so I can't drive." My disappointment shot through the roof, as I realized I wouldn't be getting drunk. However, I continued to play, without drinking any more beer. Kirby continued to get smashed, as I soberly played. Eventually, beer pong stopped, and we ventured inside to continue chatting. There was a cute girl there, and I commenced flirting (or as close as I could get to it), but it turned out that she had a boyfriend. However, this did not stop Kirby from trying to get with her. This involved a lot of him falling down and calling Temjin a pussy for not holding his liquor while hovering around her vicinity and questioning her boyfriend's integrity (while he was roughly 4 feet behind her). He had me and/or my brother carry him to the bathroom (no easy task) at least 6 times, while he fell all over things in the house and a guy who looked like he wanted everyone else in the world to disappear forever.

Eventually, after we had overstayed our welcome to the point of absurdity, we left. This is when I realized that I was not willing to drive Kirby all the way back to his house then retrieve him the next day to get his car, and that he would be staying at my house. All right, I thought. He comes over, passes out in the guest room, and drives home tomorrow. I no longer have to babysit him like at the party. I wish I were right about that.

He refused to sleep. He sat on one of my dining room chairs and for a solid hour and a half had me sit with him, wishing I could sleep ("Can I sleep now?" "No, I need your help."), and providing food, water, and support as he lumbered to the bathroom for the 50th goddamn time. So, around 5 AM, after he had deprived me of precious sleep, and eaten and drunk me out of house and home, while he was in the bathroom, I snuck into my room where Temjin was trying to sleep on the floor. I closed the door and hopped into bed, hoping Kirby in his drunken stupor wouldn't put the pieces together.

Once again, I briefly believed in a god who spited me for being an atheist, as Kirby opened the door and expressed his confusion in drunken mutterings. He then saw Temjin in his sleeping bag and suddenly toppled over onto him. I'm surprised Temjin lived to tell the tale, as Kirby was, as I said earlier, "quite overweight." After apparently processing Temjin's moans of agony as a bad thing, he hauled himself quite clumsily back onto his feet. He asked where he was sleeping, and I desperately tried to explain where he would go in the most clear way possible, so he wouldn't get lost in my labyrinth of a narrow, straight, short hallway. Luckily, I heard him thump down in the next room, and I dozed off.

I bet you thought the story was over. Well, it is, almost. About an hour later, my door opened again, and the sound of "Dan?" from the now most despised voice in my life jerked me awake like Satan's cock being forcibly jammed in my ear. "I think I'm gonna throw up." Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.


"Go to the bathroom."

He looked confused.

"Go to the bathroom. Please."

"Where's the bathroom?"

"It's in the hallway. Please, please, just go, please."

He turned around and wandered into the hallway, and didn't return that night. I woke up the next morning (or, more likely, afternoon), and there was a distinct lack of puke, which relieved me. Kirby, however, was not lacking, and greeted me with complete oblivion of the previous night's events. He stuck around for several hours, assuming that he was totally invited over, and definitely didn't impose his presence by getting blind drunk, keeping me up for hours, and nearly puking on everything. He, in fact, bragged about not puking, and once again made fun of Temjin for not being able to hold his liquor like he could.

We haven't hung out in awhile.