ULTIMATE DISCLAIMER
Here's my douchebag filter, don't message me if you resemble any of these personality types:
A) The guy who "lol"s awkwardly after every word Example: LOL You're a hyper little doggie, aren't you? I hope you don't think I'm weird lol lol
Who even says that?
B) The guy who over compliments It's nice and all, but it comes off as if you have low self esteem if you feel the need to shower me with compliments to get my attention. Example: You are SOOOO PRETTY wow. I saw ALL your pics they really catch my attention, I LUVV the one with the red hair.
C) The high school dropout If you can't spell, control yourself from using slang, or have an understanding of how English grammar works. Example: So lyk we shuld hit the club, yew look cute as fuh.
HOW MANY YEARS do we spend perfecting our writing and speech in school, why would you want to regress? People, PLEASE stop this, it makes me cry. If you see linguistics is one of my interests, at least be sensible to think I don't want to see you type like a twelve year old who just discovered AIM.
D) The overly random guy I once had a guy message me a complete commentary about my interests but phrased it in such an abrupt way I had NO idea what he was talking about. Start off with a coherent sentence that can be relatable to something I understand.
E) The guy who offers nothing and expects everything If you message me "Hi I'm Dave, what's your name?" don't expect me to reply to you! That offers me nothing! At least give me some reason to believe you're remotely interesting. Something fruitful, insightful to say, it doesn't have to be much. Just enough to lure me to your page, make sense?
F) The guy who offers EVERYTHING and has low expectationsAgain, guys, low self esteem. You don't have to send me a huge message telling me your life story. I'll find out about it if I'm interested, won't I? So let's just agree to be rational and send me a decent amount of information, a few sentences at max.
G) The Gordon rule breaker
If your page has less than 1000 words, I'm probably not interested. I want someone who feels like they can barely contain themselves within the parameters of OKcupid, not someone who finds it a struggle to muster up a few sentences to describe themselves. Yeah, I get it, you may not be a good writer..but do you really think I can get a good sense of who you are if all have to write is "Hey I'm Tom, and I like to have fun and go out, message me if you're interested."? Pft.
H) The tourist
"Hi I'm new to Miami so I'm wondering if you could show me around!" Nope! I'm not a tourguide. If I'm interested in getting to know you first, sure. But just because you're new to the city doesn't mean I want to show you around.
I) The walking cliche
Sort of like E, but worse. Here comes a major dissappointment, the number one message I get is "Your wall of shame made me laugh so hard! Haha keep up the good work!" Oh my God, spare me! I just want an original message and someone to maybe make ME laugh for once.
J) The Russian Roulette Master
The guy who messages me just to send me a tiring, long-winded insult and then follows it up with an ah-what-the-hell? request for coffee last minute. If there's anything I dislike more it's when someone's "foundation" of their personality changes every time the wind picks up. You try to score yourself a date but protect yourself from potential rejection by trying to insult me within the message first. S00o0o badass. Not.
K) Your average Joe Schmo
Related to I and G, except it centers more around the person's profile interests. I am -definitely- not on the quest for average or anything near it. I am so tired of seeing profiles that list nothing more than vague, common interests like "partying, chillin, hanging with friends." Seriously? Is that all you've managed to entertain yourself with after two decades at least on this earth? I hate to be brutally honest (no, not really) but you are entirely replaceable if that's all you can muster up. The reason it's YOUR profile page is so that you can explain how you differ from everyone else on this site.
Geez, at this rate you guys are going to drive me to write an alphabet's worth of terrible personality types.
WALL OF SHAME D:
"hey how's it going you look like a very smart and beautiful girl and i would like to talk and get to know you more. what are some of your other things interests you"
"Hello, I'm interested in having a conversation, if you like. Would love to exchange some ideas or opinions. Who am I? I am the beginning and the end, and if you look up to the stars you might find me in the constellation of the twins :) .. About me: I am a scientist of the mind transmuting any object to its highest expression, transforming heavy lead to gold, or spiritually speaking the lead of ego to our golden divine infinite self. How do I do that? By raising ones vibrations to the vibration of unconditional love lol .. You may or may not respond to this but either way, always remember the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Peace&Love:)"
"Super natural experinces??
Ever had any??? I use to play with the Quija board. hahaha"
"hi,
merry christmas!
your very attractive.."
"Hello,
After reading your profile i found that we have similarities when it comes to life and love.
Read my profile and lets chat sometime, i am sure we will have lots to talk about.
Angel :) "
"i offer nothing, can i have my everything now or vice versa? really fuck if i know what to write in these things. but i'm sure you look awesome naked.
Erik"
"my god just reading that disclaimer makes my constipation go away! :(
Wow. Harsh. However, I thought that I could live up to her standard, so I composed a message, trying to persuade her that I could woo her. Here is that message:
Hi! I think we should go out. Here's why:
A) Your list is soo funny lol. I couldn't stop loling lol. I look forward to more lol. Lmao.
B) You are the most beautiful girl in the world, the funniest person I've ever seen, you have amazing English, you dress incredibly well, your hair is awesome, and you take great pictures. I love you.
C) U r a hawt grl, and im rilly in two that.
D) First of all, it's fantastic, and second of all, I could totally relate.
E)
F) I was born a poor, black child. Haha, do you like Steve Martin? I do. He's so funny. Especially in The Jerk. That's one of my favorite movies. I've seen it like three times. The first time I watched it, I was too young to get it, but now I'm old enough to understand the humor. It makes a lot of references to racial stereotypes, which is tough for a kid to understand. Also, I was sort of a sheltered kid. My parents meant well enough, but I didn't know that it was relatively common for people to be doing adult things before 18. But I eventually figured it out. College does that to you. College is a great experience. I'm a Computer Science major, which is pretty good. I'm thinking about being a writer. I've heard I have good comedy skills. I write a blog, but it only has five followers. Hey, you could be a follower! Only if you want to though. It's a pretty good blog. I started it late last year, and I have been updating it semi-frequently since then. I tell stories, and go insane. It's kind of like this, but with more humor, and less rambliness. Actually, an equal amount of rambliness. Help me, I'm trapped in a paragraph! I mean, this has some decent ramble to it. It just keeps going on and on. I should get back to me. I was treated badly as a kid, because I spent my recesses reading. It makes me wonder whether A Series of Unfortunate Events was worth it. Then I remember how awesome that series was and I abandon that thought. I kept trucking along through school, shifting friends annually, because life hated me. I went through a Christian phase in jr. high and high school, because a girl I liked was an active Christian, and I wanted her to like me. She ended up liking me eventually, after I had abandoned the whole thing. We went to prom together. She dumped me after that. Literally, the next morning, she said I was acting weird and stopped talking to me for about a week before calling us off. I was hurt by that for awhile, but I'm over it now. I'm just looking for a girl who is a girl.
G) My page speaks for itself.
H) I'm going to Miami soon, and you could totally show me around.
I) Oh. My. God. Your wall of shame is sooooo funny. Have you seen Monty Python's Holy Grail? We are the Knights who say "Ni!" Hahaha. Also, have you seen Princess Bride? My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I don't know if you remember those lines. Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my head all night. Ha, see what I did there? I used a corny pick-up line, but I used it ironically, so I'm automatically funny and endearing, right?
J) Never mind. Fuck you. You're just a stuck-up, unfunny slut. You could just die tomorrow, and I wouldn't even care. But, if you message me back, I'll go on a date with you.
K) I like hanging out, chilling with friends, kicking it on the weekends, partying, relaxing.
As you can see, I have all the components that make up a perfect person. Also, as a bonus, I live in California, so we don't have to worry about being too close.
Insincerely,
Dan
Unfortunately, I didn't meet her message requirements, so my message will be stamped with a warning. But, I'm still hopeful. I think she won't be able to resist my perfection. It's only a matter of time before I get an enthusiastic reply.
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